Self compassion tips?

[Kilburn Kilburn]

Hi folks,
I find it quite confronting to see all the stuff I’d rather wasn’t true about me. My reactiveness, anger, pride, superficiality. I hoped I’d be “further on”!

I wonder how you, personally, stay loving and kind to yourself in this process?

Best wishes,
Emily

[Mircea Mocanu]

One way to look at compassion is through equanimity. Without it, there is no room for compassion. That allows space for compassion to grow. Observing when phenomena are made into mine, through either of the 3 feelings, creates a starting point for compassion to arise. As opposed to the belief I sometimes have that love and kindness are additions, at times they show their natural state, as absences.

[Rik vanKeulen]

Just repeating what I have understood from Gen-La:
Indeed, equanimity is an important practice. When emotions arise, when meditation does not go well, when desire distracts you, to react with equanimity: not reacting with aversion or desire, but seeing what is there without being pulled into a chain of more reactions & thoughts. For me it already helps to see equanimity as ‘one of my key practices’.
Secondly, to see there is no controller (no self as inherently existing self): I don’t want to become angry, but it is clear I am not at all in control. I think this is a nice one, as just thinking this reminds one of emptiness, the non existence of this inherent existing (controlling) self. Turning an ugly experience into some extremely beneficial, as emptiness is the door to liberation & enlightenment.
Thirdly, my body-mind complex is just an incredible complex system of causes, conditions & effects. Apparently, there are still causes & conditions which have the effect of anger to arise. By creating new causes and conditions (e.g. by participating in the IDMT), overtime my anger, other negative emotions will reduce.
Fourthly, seeing that the mind and its emotions is trying to be of benefit to oneself (anger which is trying to keep negative experiences at bay), but that although wanting to benefit, is not working out well because it is not understanding reality as it is (referring again to the 2nd and 3rd point). This helps not be too harsh to oneself.
I realise I have not mentioned the word self-compassion, but hopefully this is of benefit.

[Silvie Walraven]

In addition to the above mentioned tips, I’d like to mention that it is very important to look at things that we are happy about in ourselves when they arise, such as being helpful to someone, cooking food for someone, lending a listening ear, etc. Not as acts to be proud of, but to rejoice and be appreciative that they arise in oneself and about the positive effect it has on the other person. Focusing on the wholesome aspects arising from all those causes and conditions and nurturing these, rather than flagellating oneself over things that went ‘wrong’.

[Manita Roose]

I love what Venerable Amy Miller said: remember that we are Buddhists, not Buddha’s.
This sentence is helpful for me, it reminds me that I am in training and doing the best I can.
When I notice that I’m giving myself a hard time, it can be helpful to have an inner dialogue with the upset part. Not pushing it away, but treating the upset inner part as a friend or child, depending on what is going on.

[Amrita Klop]

Hi Emily, an other view on self compassion is understanding that we are all connected and understand the suffering of our existence. That humans make mistakes, struggle (sometimes) and experience pain. Self compassion in the highest form is the wish and action to free all living beings from suffering. If reactiveness, anger, pride, superficiality arise we can look at it, notice it, observe it, be funny with it: “oooo loook at these angry, pride, superficiality thougths, that’s funny, where did you came from, they are not mine”, and it looses its power. If it already happend in contact with someone we can contemplate on it afterwards. Hopefully it is helpfull for you.

[Amrita Klop]

A bit add on to Silvie’s writing, flagellating is extreme. Now, it is good to contemplate on things which we could have done better. Purification with the 4 opposites. Try to be the middle way. It is good to do things for others. Nonetheless if we want to grow on this Path we have to keep our intentions in mind and ask ourselves if we can only do things for certain people/beings.
For example it is not hard to stroke a cute dog, but a street dog with wounds we might find difficult. One of our Teachers pulled out His Tong for one off those dogs to reduce the dogs suffering. An other example: if you have decided to carpool with someone, but then decide you rather pick up someone else and rejoice in that, then we have to ask ourselves if this is a healthy way of (self)compassion. Hopefully it is helpfully in some way.

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